What Would You Like to Say to Future Physicians?

The blog Edwin Leap, is hosting Grand Rounds and had asked for submissions on the topic - "What would you like to say to future physicians?"

Here's what I would like all doctors to have engraved on their frontal lobes.

ILLNESS IS ABOUT NOT JUST THE PATIENT. IT'S ABOUT THE COUPLE.

When you're in a relationship and serious illness hits one partner, both lives are dislocated. Illness becomes the uninvited third party in the relationship. The changes are profound ones. Two people are suffering.

Doctors should understand that in treating the ill partner, they are also affecting the well partner. If they do this with consciousness and clarity, both partners stand a better chance of surmounting the challenges of illness.

As I was searching for help with a chronic pain condition, I once had a chance to read my medical record for a series of visits with a specialist. He wrote, "Patient appears to be nervous - she brings her husband to every appointment" -- as if nervousness and including my partner were somehow aberrant behaviors.

My partner was my driver (I was in too much pain to get behind the wheel), my memory (I didn't trust my own memory to hold onto the doctor's words), and my main support. And not only that, but he wanted to be there. He felt as much inside my experience as I did.

And he suffered -- fear, helplessness, frustration anger, loneliness, disappointment, and more fear.

Doctors should not only invite the patient to bring his/her partner into the consultation room, doctors should take a few moments to turn to the partner with interest and compassion and ask, "So how are you doing?"

That simple question can not only help the partner feel validated, but it may also help him/her find the strength to go on. And if the partner can go on, chances are, so can the patient.

ILLNESS IS ABOUT NOT JUST THE PATIENT. IT'S ABOUT THE COUPLE.