Well Spouse Caregivers: Do You Ever Say, "Enough!"

The piece below is one reader's comments to my blog post about back pain. I post it here because I think she not only raises a crucial question about the caregiver's responsibility, but she does so with great awareness, openness, and articulateness. And she is asking for support and advice. So please, if this piece speaks to you, help her out by sharing your experiences and ideas. (btw - she gave me permission to repost her comments here)


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My husband and I have been married 18 years. He was in a car accident 12 years ago that left him with chronic back pain. After several surgeries he was left with a failed fusion. We seemed to muddle through our new life ok for a while. But as of late I see him diminishing so much mentally.

We have two children that he simply does not have the "energy to parent" and my emotional needs were put on the back burner many years ago. I have voiced all of this to him repeatedly over the last three years but nothing seems to have the status that his pain has in his life.

I am 38 and he has basically turned our bedroom into the extent of his accessible world. Recently he went past my limit and I had to ask him to leave. He has been living at another house for over a month. I just feel so empty of patience for him. I feel so uncomfortable about making him get out of his comfort zone. But at what point do you just give up when your partner can not or will not see past their own nose?

He is seeing a counselor and is on antidepressants since he left. He has always suffered from some level of depression but of course it is very severe at this time. He is upset with me that I am calling all the shots.

However when someone withdraws form life like he has, they force you into that position. You become the only one that is able to fill the car up with gas or make appointments or pay bills. Every aspect of life outside the house becomes your area.

I am wondering if between the medication, depression and pain (his counselor tells me that over time chronic pain patients brains can actually atrophy?) that he is just not capable of any husband responsibilities. And if that is the case what do you do with a man that is mobile but completely stagnant?

Is there anyone else out there on my side of the situation that has been married a long while still loves their spouse but is past lonely, past hurt, past frustrated? How are you dealing with it?